Stress-Free Relations and Relationships
Part IV
Formal Family
Relations
“One of the greatest
titles in the world is a parent, and one of the biggest blessings in the world
is to have parents to call mom and dad.” – Jim DeMint
Relations a wonder that starts even before one is born, a mother who
understands what one is unable to convey, father ready to arrange anything, ancestors running in veins, doctors and
nurses ready with all eyes set, all present to receive one healthy and safe,
grandparents at home looking for us and waiting to celebrate our arrival in
their own way-no words to explain such beautiful links with nature; that brings
us to this world from universal vacuum- a store house of what we see after we
are born. How Great He is: He sends us to those who are in us already: our
Whole; whose whole is He. Obviously no
tension, no stress, no depression, only happiness, relief, cries of hunger,
cozy lap of mother and every one and hope and blessings all round, and He too to
bless us.
Soon we reach home we have brothers, sisters, cousins,
uncles, aunts all related to us through blood at one generation or
the other. All watching without a blink to see one laughing in sleep perhaps
remembering the good happenings of the previous life: some time one’s face is
grim perhaps remembering some bad dreams of the previous life. They are ours:
our love, care, fight, help, anger, happiness, peace, play, envy, competition,
comparison, elder, younger etc. etc.
We are at kindergarten, primary, middle, high now
higher secondary school, college, professional, to learn to equip ourselves to
face this world rough and tough at work, workplace to perform the first
function entrusted by Him to live by oneself. Our parents at every stage teach
us; sorting out the knots and to take turns safely in life.
Slowly comes the hunger to obey His another entrusted
duty; the recreation.
See what a wonderful system the society; our forefathers from time immemorial built
for us to enjoy sex: safe and sound: and to create a family of our own; the
marriage; the only celebration we are able to see ourselves not like the birth
and the death that are performed by others. Hence the time to marry normally:
some don’t marry for one reason or the other.
Marriage brings us face to face with formal relations: those arising out
of a formality: a ceremony. To marry we need the opposite male or female: may
be a friend; relative, relative’s friend, neighbour, foreigner, a live-in
partner, unknown, first sight love, boss, subordinate, teacher, student, made
known, referred by known, an old contact, out of compassion, lust, lure, a need,
same religion or no religion and so many
other things. Field is wide open: one does not know whom he will get as his
life partner: majority can like a face, figure, talk, walk, find qualification,
a family, verify these and only a few could understand the nature and temperament
the most important thing to live with for decades rather rest of life: even
those in so-called love relation can’t understand: real nature comes out only
when we deal and walk the path together.
As soon as one
decides he gets what is generally known as “Spouse”:
marriage is a celebration of love, affection, rituals, formalities, social
and family; dinners and lunches with known and distantly known; happiness and
joy all round: the only functions which
a one enjoys to his fill and the way he likes.
Marriage: offsprings; they spring out of us a natural
happy consequence: third generation starts: now parents of bride and groom
become grandparents: bride and groom loose these titles and become parents and
they have a family-Father and Mother I Love You (FAMILY): another nuclear
family is born. Time has come to think and think rationally about grandparents:
couple’s parents.
In India for millenniums together grand parents have
preferred to keep their children and grandchildren with them: the joint family
system even bigger sometimes the whole village belonged to the same ancestor:
but now trend is different: development and employment has changed the scene so
is the attitude of younger ones, children do not want their parents to be with
them as it squeezes all the spaces: they want to be independent: this was
already there in many western countries where grandparents manage their own
show either independently or in an old age homes.
The relations between two families of two in-laws can be
given any name socially but legal they have no name. It is definite
male / female goes to the family of female / male. Relation between male and
female is simple they are husband wife, Adam and eve.
What about the relation of wife or husband with the
family of husband or wife. This is more important in case of the spouse who goes
to the family of other spouse to spend his rest of life as early man and women
did. That family may consist of more children and the parents obviously older
ones may even parents of parents: stay may be short, long or lifelong; however
lifelong pattern is disappearing fast it is only short or long: ultimately
everybody has to have his own family-nuclear one. Irrespective of the time,
family of the spouse are in-laws not the blood relations: so their pain and
problems are that of sympathy not of empathy for the spouse: apathy also
prevails sometimes.
This relationship is more important in the people where
the bride moves to the house of the groom. Despite so many gadgets available;
and propagating equality with men, when it comes household chores particularly the cooking and
the dining table management, it is the women world over they are expected to
play the lead role and that throws some additional burden on the daughter-in-law;
and the mother-in-law is also not able to bear the full burden: some perhaps
thinking of some relief from household chores performed for so long: irritants grow up slowly and then burst into a
full-fledged vocal altercation; unnecessary tension and stress: main reason
with Indians being they want to live with their children. Another reason which
appears more like a joke but real one is: everybody these day has a right to
choose his partner but nobody can choose his mother-in-law, in fact, the in-laws,
so what one gets as mother-in-law may treat it as all wise parent or an
institutional enemy; you attitude would decide the richness or parched state of
the relationship. Some do sometimes say, may be in lighter vain, they would
like to marry a person whose mother’s photograph is hanging on the wall with a
garland around.
Generation gap in the thinking of younger and older
generation;
particularly the dominating or advisory role of grandparents; disturbs the
equation among the members of the nuclear family: shimmering dissatisfaction
somewhere. Individualism: ego: “I do matter”: “I have my own views and
personality”: “all are equal even elders including parents”: “lesser the advice
better it is”: are the other reasons for graveyard silence among the members of
the so-called joint family which has already turned from a musk melon to an orange
that looking like one from outside but already broken into piece inside the way
orange is.
Marriage makes a daughter: the relations she has lived
for almost a quarter century: a daughter-in-law: according to me a
degradation of her status as a member of nuclear family: but what to do that is
the custom world over may be slightly different here and there: so even after a
marriage a girl continues search of warmth of those relations of mother’s
family: husband may be loving but not a substitute for the cozy lap of the
mother. This human requirement is required to be filed which many mothers and
mother-in-laws lack. The best person to fill this vacuum is the mother-in-law
being easily available always, but for many different reasons a daughter-in-law
is not able to feel or get that warmth she needs. Parents of the girl must
remain in touch with their child: keep her involved in the happy moments; at
least during early years of marriage to continue the shadow of love she had
experienced. Many unfortunately, forget this aspect of the marriage: they do
not even remember their child on occasion like Deepawali in India when it is
customary to exchange gifts and also give something to our daily helpers like
car-wash boy, watchman, washerman, garbage man etc. The married girls are
completely forgotten. Let us share with them a bite even when we have half a
chapati; that lightens and brighten the girls far away. Socially girl are the
first part of their parents’ family and legally they are equal partners in the
property of their parents with sons; seldom the sisters enforce their right and
generally they sacrifice their share in favour of their brothers.
“Indifference and neglect often do much more damage than
outright dislike.”– J.K. Rowling.
Third alternative is leave your home for some days of
the year to make it a home again: which for financial constraints is not
possible for many; but one try it must: may be for two three days: even if that
is not possible do not forget to have a date with your wife and she should
never forget to flirt at least once in three four months.
Failure of above alternatives is the root cause of
stress for the daughter turned daughter-in- law turned mother and his family. How to overcome this
long term stress. Two time tested formulae are the only alternative: (1)
reconciliation with the changed circumstances which is further strengthened by
the kids and their problems when daughter-in-law obtains the status of a mother:
the experience which nature has reserved for every female to make her superior
to male her counterpart and strengthen her status in the society (2) time the
greatest of the healers, makes you master on many occasion and a servant on
others and be ready to adopt the role offered without ifs and buts.
The relations between the families of male and female:
all in-laws nothing real between the two not even socially: are also based on
sympathy and formalities: always first to wish happy birthdays, anniversaries,
festivals, sometimes words are so miserly used as if coded telegrams of
yesteryears; no richness and no warmth even in the words. When something wrong
happens, they are the first to give calls of sympathies and sorry; will always
offer help if need be; last to turn up. A generation below seldom recognizes: not
even face what to talk of voice: phone calls are curt, dry and sarcastic with
the passage of time: that is the end of these relations of in-laws in the
modern era of individualism. Such relations initially may cause a little amount
of stress but that is short lived as termination does not affect each other;
they seldom meet except on occasions more so on bereavement, level of
communication between such formal communications is always poor: so they do not
flourish.
“The advantage of
having formal relations is that they never give you any emotional distress.”
Ashwadh Vibhawar.
Sometimes it do
happens that formal relations last longer than close ones, what a beauty in
sweet Hi’s and hello’s, in friendly
wavings and divine attachments, yet being detached, yet being free, healthy
human touch.
Relations are like electric currents. Wrong connection
will give you shocks throughout your life but the right ones will light up your
life.
