Stress of Selection of Life Partner

               Stress of Selection of Life Partner

 

“A great marriage is not when the ‘perfect couple’ comes together. It is when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences.”                                            – Dave Meurer

 

After the onset of Corona – the Chinese Virus, in 2020, I went to attend a family marriage function in only December 2021 for the first time almost after two years. Corona has changed the way of life and the functions too. Normally a Hindu marriage used to be solemnized after the Dinner, at night after 12 O’ Clock between 02.30 to 04.30 AM - the Amritvela when nature showers nectar all round  and the bride would move to the groom’s place in the “shade of the stars”. Now this fundamental has changed substantially.

 

Corona – the Chinese virus has changed many things in day to day life particularly in Hindu marriages, firstly instead of a night function it has become now a day function: the number of guests has to be as per Govt. instructions and many do not turn up to avoid crowd and others because of their age and still those who are too much worried about their immunity and infection do not turn up. This has given relief to the host who can now take care of each and every guest. Barat – the marriage procession, groom with his family and guests, comes early in the morning and straight away the groom and bride are made to sit on Pheras, the Holy Fire, Haven, thereafter they are free to move among guests related to both the groom and the bride. Normally most of the guests arrive at lunch time with their masks up and sometimes it is difficult to recognize, unless they take off their face wear, they meet the people, give “shagoon” – blessings with a gift mostly cash, to their respective host take lunch and move away. Normally no body is in a hurry since it is broad day light, noon the brightest part of the day function. Families also move away thereafter. One is free by 3.00-3.30 PM, it is just five six hour business and a couple is born, groom gets the bride and bride gets the groom so quick.

This is what the marriage ceremonies Corona has changed. Time the greatest agent of change and also a great healer has changed many good things in marriage. One good thing is the process of selection of the partner.

 

“Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb. It isn’t something you get. It’s something you do. It’s the way you love your partner every day.”

                                                                —Barbara De Angelis

 

In good olden days say about a century back and before. My father was married sometimes near about 1930, even at that time boys used to marry without even seeing face of the bride. Strange! How it happened? Firstly everybody preferred to marry his children in a known family: this resulted many a times, boys of one family marrying the sisters of another family so the brothers were brothers and brothers-in-law also and so on.

 

Another institution which helped this tradition of marrying without seeing was that of “Nai” the person who used to give “Niuta” – the invitation on behalf of his master to the specified audience. He was engaged by every family on all occasions of happiness and bereavement for this specified job and during the process he intermingled with the family members of his host (Jajmaan) as one of them. He used to stay with the families during the whole period of event which during those days ranged up to fifteen days both for happiness and bereavement. He also helped the families in doing all day to day chores including the odds ones. He witnessed the laughter and anger of each member of the family and felt pulse of the nature of every individual in the family. He used to suggest to the families the matches for their sons and daughters: keeping in view the various parameters like social, financial, caste, family, status, nature and character of the would be groom and the bride. He used to be rewarded for successful solemnization of the marriage. Since it was his bread and butter he was also careful in making suggestions for marriage to the families. Normally his assessments about families were fair and fact based.

 

Reward to “Nai”, normally consisted gold like the ring, cash, clothes and sweets of course and sometimes as per his needs. In addition, even otherwise whenever he visited a home he was given an offering. His visits on some occasions like Diwali were regular. One fact of this relationship was Nai never dictated terms and conditions of his services and this was generation to generation profession. But with the passage of time this wonderful social institution has died simply because of the burst of the population beyond imagination and change in the behavior of the society from joint families to nuclear ones and of course inflation reducing the real value of his collections.

 

In northern India barber is also called “Nai”, so some people confuse this marriage man with barber but fact is that barber has nothing to do with this wonder institution.

 

There was another institution called “Bachola” the “intermediary” which exists on a very limited scale even now, but at that time it was existing in the society on a fairly good scale as some people had made it their full time profession. These people were very sincere and suggested the matches that would fit in well that was foundation of their profession. They were vocal so far as their remuneration was concerned but their never sacrificed sweetness of the relations for sake of few more rupees. In those days families’ background and reputation carried the highest preference in marriages even slightly higher than the financial position of families.

 

This era of marriage without seeing the bride ended with advent of freedom of the country, when the people started marrying only after seeing the bride, but sources of finding the match continued to be broadly above three, however some religious places had also started helping people in match making by keeping record of such eligible bachelors and girls whose parents sought help of such religious institutions. In addition, merits of the bride mainly proficiency in house hold chores like cooking, knitting, sewing machine operations and of course reading and writing also started weighing with the people.

 

During late sixties people started adding one more qualification to the would be bride that she should be educated enough and employed too. As the trend gained momentum people, particularly the middle class families started paying more attention to the education and employment of the girls. Professions of teaching and nursing found themselves invaded by the girls. Girls also entered Banks in large numbers. This is continuing even today with a slight change in the behavior of the people. Now some people desire that the groom and bride should belong to the same profession so professionally qualified girls find a match quick and qualified too.

 

Intermingling of boys and girls at educational and employment levels has given birth to more marriages being decided by girls and boys themselves what is called in common man’s language as the “love marriage”, but fact is every such marriage is not a love marriage, many a times these are calculated moves decided with the blessings of both the families and parents equally play an important role in selection and solemnization of the marriages. It is good that the partners to the marriage have major role in selection.

 

Still another trend which is becoming more and more visible is that the parents are giving more freedom to their wards in selection of the life partner, in other words they are encouraging children to have partner of their choice and this has broken many barriers in the society and one of them is castes in the same religion. In some cases love and marriage has prevailed over religion too. This may lead to a more harmonious society, a need of the mankind in the long run instead of a society based on religion and castes. Appears to be good trend except where marriage is only for the purpose of lust and a end in view.

 

“Love recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fences, penetrates walls to arrive at its destination full of hope.”

                                                                        – Maya Angelou

 

Despite so much progress in education, employment, equality, rights and freedom to girls, India still continues to be the country of majority of arranged marriages as such the modern means of communication like newspapers and internet sites are also helping people to find a suitable life partner in addition to marriage bureaus a paid proposition. All these modern means of finding a match are risky, they need a lot of wisdom, searching and recce on part of the families and it is a tough job sometimes goes for years together. Match making is a tough job most commonly used is Horoscope matching which by no means provide a guarantee of long successful marriage.  

 

“A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.”

                                                               —Mignon McLaughlin

 

Whatever be the process of selection of bride and groom; the institution of family which mankind world over in general has evolved, developed, adopted and nurtured irrespective of religion and caste would remain till infinity.

 

“Happy is the man who finds a true friend, and far happier is he who finds that true friend in his wife.”                                                           

 

                                                                        Franz Schubert

Stress and Joy of Social Isolation

 

Stress and Joy of Social Isolation

 

A person is a person through other persons;

 you can't be human in isolation;

you are human only in relationships.

 Desmond Tutu

 

We had kept a night watchman from 10.00 PM to 07.00 AM for our street on contributory basis and all of us somehow or the other were Govt. employees almost of similar financial income and other sources too and everybody was having a house of one hundred fifty square yards and two children with the exception of one or two of us. Most of the houses were single storey occupied by the owners themselves, with one or two having tenants also. Everybody’s children were still studying in schools. All children were unmarried except that of one family that  was senior most among us all. At that time, street was just like a close knit family and particularly seen on two occasion - the New Year eve and Lohri a festival of bonfires all over on a fixed date in the month of January when it is winter extreme in north India. All used to celebrate collectively by a contribution – New Year eve used to be a really good family get together with dinner both vegetarian and non-vegetarian dishes and drinks both soft and hard with best of the snacks, everybody participated, even in cooking and serving, with the exception of a few. They simply said that they do not like those get - togethers. There were other small occasions also like Holi – the festival of colours, celebrated without any contribution but even then they never participated, they remained aloof practically confined to their dwelling. Possibility that they were suffering from superiority complex cannot be ruled out nor that they were perhaps too miserly.  They enjoyed their isolation and resources too. I feel it was not enjoying the solitude, perhaps they never knew the difference between the isolation and the solitude. In addition, they seldom wished anybody not to talk of being the first in this respect. They never paid their contribution which was very nominal at that time, even for the watchman and for other community purposes and whenever others went to collect their share of contribution they simply said they do not need a watchman and many of the persons managing the affairs of the night watchman felt offended but it made little difference to these families. 

 

"There is a difference between solitude and isolation. One is connected and one isn't. Solitude replenishes, isolation diminishes."

                                                                              Henry Cloud

 

Time passed everybody superannuated by and by; children settled, some within the country others abroad, some in the same city and some far away, some with parents others away from parents but everybody settled nobody went astray - although a few were not earning much but they were happy with their lot and some children were earning a lot: time to slow down in life began; time to find company; time to spend time; time to give back to the society and nature and reduce hunger for wealth, time to be composed and away from the vices. In a few years some of our community members were called by the Lord to His abode. In short, the time for lesser involvement and lesser of everything began.

 

However, a few of us started journey a different - to amass wealth and one way that became handy was converting their plots into fifty feet high mansions of four floor with a view to get it built without spending anything – that is giving one floor to the builder who would build the whole building without taking anything from the owner and would sell his share. Mansion was completed and they shifted to their floor, the builder also sold his floor and moved away not  to be seen thereafter. Other two floors were either sold or given to children or occupied by others for a rent.

 

These mansions have adopted a new pattern of numbering the floors and people living in them take pride even in their floor numbers, the new numbers are: Parking is parking, first floor is upper  ground, second is first floor, third floor is numbered as second floor, and highest as the third floor in these mansions. Some have the basement and barsati too in addition the highest point having water tanks, and still higher are the boosters for better mobile signals as so many floors have weakened mobile signals all overs.

 

Thus sometimes strangers moved to these floors from unknown places without any background being known to each other; only consideration was they had paid the money; some felt hurt being charged more and cheated and others felt happy being purchased cheap and thanked their wisdom: nobody knew what was cheap and what was dear only thing was money paid. So many a times no feels of sympathy, empathy, consideration, kindness, cooperation were are seen between the occupants of such floors. Many a time occupants were not aware even of the existence of the other.

 

Those who had enjoyed isolation in their hey days and were still living in social isolation: had grown old and feeble both physically and mentally, living alone without any relation, daughters having been married away and sons having settled abroad or moved away. Such persons sometimes came face to face with the hard and harsh realities of life: e.g. need to talk to somebody on personal matters that were pricking their conscience and creating stress constantly, since nobody had ever been taken into confidence or heard patiently earlier and this only lead to more stress day by day. They were finding it difficult even to find a person who would give his time and energy in addition to sometimes listening adverse comments from their own family for having listened to those who never bothered about anybody in the community.

 

Sometimes these lovers of social isolation come in contact with ticklish issues with the other occupants of the floors or others which prick them day and night rather every minute. They do not want to approach police authorities, Court of Law, residents’ welfare association as they are not members simply because they do not pay monthly contribution, neighbours’ from whom they have always kept distance and played blame games, social NGOs as they ask so many questions to reach at the crux of the problem which they have seldom replied and other forums of dispute settlement. What to do? They become a helpless lot, sometimes ill mentally and then physically with loss of general level of confidence necessary for day today living, weakness appears on their face and talk.

 

Many a times such persons fall ill, sometimes terminally, in addition to suffering from life style chronic diseases like hypertension, diabetes etc, they are unable to move the Doctor. What a pathetic situation and life, where only isolation prevails in every corner of the home and life too. Why such a situation arises, reason appears to be that in addition to isolation, they never indulged in celebrations like birthdays, anniversaries and religious activities like free kitchen, chanting for the Lord, distribution of weekly Prasad; that makes one known to a specified audience and gives one a chance to intermingle. A few of them were never seen in the morning or evening walk in the neighborhood park.  They remained aloof, never invited anybody, so relations are relations only, no intimacy with anybody, no person taken in confidence.

 

How the society should respond to such situations when a request or a distress call is received from such aloofers? In view of their previous conduct, immediate and normal response would be that of avoidance, tit for tat, paying back in the same coin. That would be negative response. In fact, it is their reputation and the facts that have travelled fast, far and near, during the last so many years may be so many decades  that has prompted such a response.

 

However, aloofers are part of the society and such aloofers can be at one’s home also:  secondly they are old and old-age has problems; for some these are more and for others they are less. Human society has always kept humanity above everything. We have to be with the glorious traditions of mankind like charity, cooperation, community help in disaster, free kitchen, compassion, liberty, morality, truth, help etc. Positive behavior of the society can possibly bring a change in the dealings and behavior of such aloofers and possibly they may become part of the main stream in the time to come. Society in general and neighbours in particular have a moral responsibility toward such misfits.  So all the terminal issues like death, theft, heart attack, fire or other emergencies, etc. when contacted for, must be responded to, positively and effectively by the neighbours as they are nearer than others including the paid services, social NGOs and of course the relatives and Government agencies.  

 

Other issues like payment of bills, going to the Doctor, purchase of groceries - the happenings in day to day life etc. must firstly be taken care of by the aloofers themselves in this era of online services and supplies and where they fail to achieve, society must help.

 

At present, many Govt. and social organizations and NGOs provide free services when in distress so such aloofers must keep a track of such services so that they are useful to them in leading a normal life.

 

Society, a group of persons, is present when a one is born and similar group is there when one leaves this planet then why to discard them in between be a part of it and be the useful one.

 

The happiest people I know are those who lose themselves in the service of others.

                                                                    Gordon B. Hinckley

 

"I wish to do something Great and Wonderful, but I must start by doing the little things like they were Great and Wonderful."

                                                                          -Albert Einstein

Stress and Joy of Salutation

                                             Stress and Joy of Salutation 

 As a man's salutations, so is the total of his character;

in nothing do we lay ourselves so open

as in our manner of meeting and salutation.

 Johann Kaspar Lavater

 

In April 1956, my eldest brother took me to the Shri Sanatan Dharm, Sanskrit English, High School, Patiala for admission to the sixth standard and when we reached the school, classes were still to start, we were ahead of the scheduled time; we were walking through the central courtyard of the school when a smartly dressed person came swiftly to us and said to my brother, “What brings you here Sahibji”. My brother replied “Janab, I have to admit my younger brother here in your school.” There was a loud laughter and tight hugging. I did not realize then, what was happening but now I feel there was a magic in the words, “Sahibji” and “Janab”, in fact they were close friends and later I came to know they usually addressed each other by the first name or simply by “Oye” (Punjabi slang), words “Sahibji” and “Janab” were used by them in a loving sarcastic manner. This is how sometimes your salutation is.

 

A salutation, as I came to learn in my sixth standard, meant how a letter or an application is concluded and the words normally taught to us were “Yours Faithfully” meaning “loyal to you” and “Your Obediently”  conveying “will obey your orders”. In personal letters, it was “Yours affectionately” meaning “in a way that shows liking or love or affection”. In commercial letters particularly those written by money lenders to their customers, it was customary to end the letter with words, “Sir, I beg to remain, “Yours most obedient servant”. These were formal words, perhaps the general atmosphere at that time was formal and “respect”, “regard”, “consideration” had the meaning with the people everywhere, more so with people of the same habitat may be a village or a town.

 

Now the society believes more in informal and no interference in personal matters even in childhood, not to talk of adults; so these salutations have also changed from respectful to more informal much nearer to worldly reality than the social and family manners where earlier any person from one’s own village had a relation.

 

These informal salutations have now trickled down to employment where boss is no longer “Sir”, he is just addressed by the first name. My view is that reduces the “Chair” he is occupying to that a person who happens to occupy it and also the respect, discipline and decorum.

 

Informal salutations have also played their havoc in family and blood relations. “Ji or Jee” was a respectful additive to family relations like Mataji, Pitaji, Mamaji, Mamiji. Even the strangers got the respect for age and his known name had Jee as respectfully additive. Now this “Jee” has flown to the world above with rockets and seniors are addressed like Dadu, Dadi, Mata, Pita, Chachi and sometimes even that has gone and all relations are substituted by the word “Vyee”. I do not know exact meaning of this “Vyee” perhaps it is a slang or have something to do with “Oye” may be, they are singular (Oye) and plural (Vyee): both of them by any standards, at least, for me do not carry with them respectful connotation. Some treat “Oye” as abuse and it really looks like that.

 

Salutation may consist of words or may not; but it must carry with the respect and regards for the person whom it is addressed. One should speak in such a way that the people like to listen and should listen in such a way that people like to speak. Your manner, tenor, tone, and volume of your speech speak volumes about the meaning of the salutation and your personality. When somebody speaks lowly or meekly or not with proper words it is really difficult for the addressee to make out what is being said and to bless or not to bless or just ignore as having not been addressed.

Body language is another ingredient which tells us about your compulsion to salute somebody such an adverse salutation gives the receiver more stress than the pleasure as he is comes under stress as whether to acknowledge or give blessings too: whatever it may be nothing happens from the core of the heart as both are quick enough to part the company.

 

Salutation can be even without words like be attentive or armed forces orders of “Attention”, just slightly bowing, nodding of head, even blinking of eyes, facial expressions, sounds without words. I remember an incident when after a session was over and a lecturer was saying concluding remarks and as soon as he finished; there was a silence for a fraction of minute a boy got up from his seat and wanted permission to say a few words and he mentioned about what he had learnt from the class: this was much more than a formal salutation.

 

Some people just throw the salutation on seniors like “Paiee Lagoon”, “Pairon Payiena”, meaning “I touch your feet”, they just throw and move away quick and fast. Still there are others who do not even when there is appropriate occasion to seek the blessings of the seniors. They just become mute spectators as if everything is routine.

 

Life laughs at you when you are unhappy; Life smiles at you when you are happy; But life salutes you when you make other happy.

                                                                    — Charlie Chaplin

 

Even clothes have also adopted this modern “informal” concept; anything informal is “my choice fashion”, “who are you”, even torn clothes, odd sized front and rear, some usual parts missing clothes like a trouser with one full and one less than half leg and so on.. Despite all this people are formal when it comes to their job and life.

 

Should the salutations be always limited to known and seniors only? Answer is certainly not. Salutations with good intentions and manners conveyed even to the strangers and unknown give pleasure to both and invoke for the giver love and affection in addition to the blessings- a God’s arm that works in silence at the appropriate time. So say good words when you happen to meet anyone in the morning that brings smiles and positive vibes to you and the other person.

 

Always give a word or a sign of salute

when meeting or passing a friend,

even a stranger, when in a lonely place.

Show respect to all people and grovel to none.

When you arise in the morning

give thanks for the food and for the joy of living.

If you see no reason for giving thanks,

the fault lies only in yourself.

— Tecumseh

Salutation is not only for living persons it is for non-living also. One must salute while passing by the side of a graveyard, or a cremation ground, a temple, a church, a mosque, a Gurudawara, or any other religious place, it is salute to them and to all those activities which are relevant even today.

Salutation to place of work before starting the work to earn one’s livelihood is not uncommon throughout the world particularly in India. Do your task with full devotion and dedication that is salutation to work and then the work will salute you.

IF you Salute your work,

You do not have to salute anybody.

IF you pollute your work,

You have to salute everybody.

 

                                   — Abdul Kalam