Stress of Selection of Life Partner
“A
great marriage is not when the ‘perfect couple’ comes together. It is when an
imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences.” –
Dave Meurer
After
the onset of Corona – the Chinese Virus, in 2020, I went to attend a family
marriage function in only December 2021 for the first time almost after two
years. Corona has changed the way of life and the functions too. Normally a
Hindu marriage used to be solemnized after the Dinner, at night after 12 O’
Clock between 02.30 to 04.30 AM - the Amritvela when nature showers nectar all
round and the bride would move to the
groom’s place in the “shade of the stars”. Now this fundamental has changed
substantially.
Corona
– the Chinese virus has changed many things in day to day life particularly in
Hindu marriages, firstly instead of a night function it has become now a day
function: the number of guests has to be as per Govt. instructions and many do
not turn up to avoid crowd and others because of their age and still those who
are too much worried about their immunity and infection do not turn up. This
has given relief to the host who can now take care of each and every guest.
Barat – the marriage procession, groom with his family and guests, comes early
in the morning and straight away the groom and bride are made to sit on Pheras,
the Holy Fire, Haven, thereafter they are free to move among guests related to
both the groom and the bride. Normally most of the guests arrive at lunch time
with their masks up and sometimes it is difficult to recognize, unless they
take off their face wear, they meet the people, give “shagoon” – blessings with
a gift mostly cash, to their respective host take lunch and move away. Normally
no body is in a hurry since it is broad day light, noon the brightest part of
the day function. Families also move away thereafter. One is free by 3.00-3.30
PM, it is just five six hour business and a couple is born, groom gets the
bride and bride gets the groom so quick.
This
is what the marriage ceremonies Corona has changed.
Time the greatest agent of change and also a great healer has changed many good
things in marriage. One good thing is the process of selection of the partner.
“Marriage
is not a noun; it’s a verb. It isn’t something you get. It’s something you do.
It’s the way you love your partner every day.”
—Barbara De Angelis
In
good olden days say about a century back and before. My father was married
sometimes near about 1930, even at that time boys used to marry without even seeing face of the bride. Strange! How
it happened? Firstly everybody preferred
to marry his children in a known family: this resulted many a times, boys
of one family marrying the sisters of another family so the brothers were
brothers and brothers-in-law also and so on.
Another
institution which helped this tradition of marrying without seeing was that of
“Nai” the person who used to give “Niuta” – the invitation on
behalf of his master to the specified audience. He was engaged by every family
on all occasions of happiness and bereavement for this specified job and during
the process he intermingled with the family members of his host (Jajmaan) as
one of them. He used to stay with the families during the whole period of event
which during those days ranged up to fifteen days both for happiness and
bereavement. He also helped the families in doing all day to day chores including
the odds ones. He witnessed the laughter and anger of each member of the family
and felt pulse of the nature of every individual in the family. He used to
suggest to the families the matches for their sons and daughters: keeping in
view the various parameters like social, financial, caste, family, status,
nature and character of the would be groom and the bride. He used to be
rewarded for successful solemnization of the marriage. Since
it was his bread and butter he was also careful in making suggestions for
marriage to the families. Normally his assessments about families were fair and
fact based.
Reward
to “Nai”, normally consisted gold like the ring, cash, clothes and sweets of
course and sometimes as per his needs. In addition, even otherwise whenever he
visited a home he was given an offering. His visits on some occasions like
Diwali were regular. One fact of this relationship was Nai never dictated terms
and conditions of his services and this was generation to generation
profession. But with the passage of time this wonderful social institution has
died simply because of the burst of the population beyond imagination and
change in the behavior of the society from joint families to nuclear ones and
of course inflation reducing the real value of his collections.
In
northern India barber is also called “Nai”, so some people confuse this
marriage man with barber but fact is that barber has nothing to do with this
wonder institution.
There
was another institution called “Bachola” the “intermediary” which exists on a
very limited scale even now, but at that time it was
existing in the society on a fairly good scale as some people had made it their
full time profession. These people were very sincere and suggested the matches
that would fit in well that was foundation of their profession. They were vocal
so far as their remuneration was concerned but their never sacrificed sweetness
of the relations for sake of few more rupees. In those days families’
background and reputation carried the highest preference in marriages even
slightly higher than the financial position of families.
This
era of marriage without seeing the bride ended with advent of freedom of the
country, when the people started marrying only after seeing the bride,
but sources of finding the match continued to be broadly above three, however
some religious places had also started helping people in match making by
keeping record of such eligible bachelors and girls whose parents sought help
of such religious institutions. In addition, merits of the bride mainly
proficiency in house hold chores like cooking, knitting, sewing machine
operations and of course reading and writing also started weighing with the
people.
During
late sixties people started adding one more qualification to the would be bride
that she should be educated enough and employed too. As
the trend gained momentum people, particularly the middle class families started
paying more attention to the education and employment of the girls. Professions
of teaching and nursing found themselves invaded by the girls. Girls also
entered Banks in large numbers. This is continuing even today with a slight
change in the behavior of the people. Now some people desire that the groom and
bride should belong to the same profession so professionally qualified girls
find a match quick and qualified too.
Intermingling
of boys and girls at educational and employment levels has given birth to more
marriages being decided by girls and boys themselves what
is called in common man’s language as the “love marriage”, but fact is every
such marriage is not a love marriage, many a times these are calculated moves
decided with the blessings of both the families and parents equally play an
important role in selection and solemnization of the marriages. It is good that
the partners to the marriage have major role in selection.
Still
another trend which is becoming more and more visible is that the parents are
giving more freedom to their wards in selection of the life partner, in other
words they are encouraging children to
have partner of their choice and this has broken many barriers in the
society and one of them is castes in the same religion. In some cases love and
marriage has prevailed over religion too. This may lead to a more harmonious
society, a need of the mankind in the long run instead of a society based on
religion and castes. Appears to be good trend except where marriage is only for
the purpose of lust and a end in view.
“Love
recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fences, penetrates walls to
arrive at its destination full of hope.”
–
Maya Angelou
Despite
so much progress in education, employment, equality, rights and freedom to
girls, India still continues to be the
country of majority of arranged marriages as such the modern means of communication
like newspapers and internet sites are also helping people to find a suitable
life partner in addition to marriage bureaus a paid proposition. All these
modern means of finding a match are risky, they need a lot of wisdom, searching
and recce on part of the families and it is a tough job sometimes goes for
years together. Match making is a tough job most commonly used is Horoscope
matching which by no means provide a guarantee of long successful marriage.
“A
successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same
person.”
—Mignon McLaughlin
Whatever
be the process of selection of bride and groom; the institution of family which
mankind world over in general has evolved, developed, adopted and nurtured
irrespective of religion and caste would remain till infinity.
“Happy
is the man who finds a true friend, and far happier is he who finds that true
friend in his wife.”
Franz Schubert
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