Stress Relieving Visit of a Daughter

                                                          

                                             Stress Relieving

                                            Visit of a Daughter

 

Our daughters are the most precious of our treasures, the dearest possessions of our homes and the objects of our most watchful love.

 

Margaret E. Sangster

 

“O Laddoo – you have come, good, where is “Parri”, “‘Pie Lagoon Nanu’, she is also coming Nanu, along with mummy and papa”. Laddoo is our Dohta daughter’s son nick named by his Dadi and Parri is our Dohti daughter’s daughter named as such by her Dadu. Bitiya-our Bitiya daughter, her nick name also is Bitiya: entered with her husband Karanji with all the paraphernalia usual with all those who prefer to travel by their own car - they do not travel light they carry every comfort of their home with them. This was the start of winter break for my daughter Bitiya as called at home and in in-laws also. Everybody was excited Nani (my wife), Kishu (my grandson) and Angel (my granddaughter) were more than anybody else: Nani was ready with lot of evening snacks: Pakoras, bread rolls, cakes, tea of course: which she had started cooking right from the morning, expecting arrival of Bitiya’s family from Chandigarh by evening only because of Farmers Agitation at Delhi-Haryana border. Party started with Gaggi, the Girdhari Lal of Horoscope, my son, Saru-Kuku her parents name, my daughter-in-law, Kishu and Angel and of course both of us and Bitiya’s family. My own family of ten persons was complete; bowed in thanks to the Almighty: everybody was more affectionate than the other: snacks too: every snack showed its presence prominently: they showed their love being very tasty and hot Punjabis like most. They stayed with us just for four days, but charged our energy and hope for the coming full year with their love and affection: what a quality time it was can’t be explained: but it flew away quick and fast leaving only the memories to cherish. Fourth day milky white Honda automatic was ready in the afternoon to take our pearls and jewels back to Royal Estate Zirakpur in the neighbourhood of the City Beautiful Chandigarh: where Laddo’s Dada and Dadi were waiting eagerly as if they were returning having spent a year with us. As soon as the car started moving I thanked the Lord for giving us beautiful moments and prayed for their safe return journey to their Home. They reached home safe and gave us a tinkle.

 

A daughter is a bundle of firsts that excite and delight, giggles that come from deep inside and are always contagious, everything wonderful and precious and your love for her knows no bounds.

                                                                                    Barbara Cage

 

Present is an era of small families particularly for the middle class with high literacy rate and in fact, it started with our generation in late sixties and early seventies and at present, it is perhaps at its blossom: so is with the in-laws of my daughter: they have two sons-one settled abroad and other is our son-in-law, so it is difficult for my daughter to leave her in-laws above 70+ years now for long periods. We are very excited to have my daughter’s family even for short breaks of a day or so or even flying visits of less than a day: that is reward to have a daughter.

 

A daughter’s visit is always pious, solace giving and a family re-union. In our community we consider married daughters as our Purohits - Priests, they are the firsts in all religious functions; son-in-law is first to be invited to all religious and family food invites and offerings in the name of the Lord are given to daughters and their daughters first.

 

In my childhood, my mother used to instruct us, whenever we were given new clothes to wear, first to touch them to the feet of the sister before wearing and who had no sister or sister was not present then first to touch to the pitcher full of water so that one wears that new cloth for prosperity in other words new cloth may bring prosperity to the wearer and the family. 

 

The son-in-law is the most honoured guest in marriages in his wife’s family particularly that of his brother-in-law: previously there was a custom to hand him over a pure silver “Gulabdani” which contained rose water and in a marriage procession he would sprinkle that rose water on ladies of the other side: message was that they have come to become a fragrance of the bride’s family.

 

In bereavements daughters are taken care more by her parents than anybody else can take care of them to show solidarity of her father’s family with her. It is customary with the family of Bahu to provide food on the day of demise of any member of daughter’s in-laws: perhaps to indicate that in the hour of bereavement Bahu’s parental family is standing with them solid. They are the most respected-poojniya-worship worthy persons in the family of father the Nanu.

 

When a baby son or a daughter is born to the wife of a brother, brother’s sister is given the duty of washing the breast of mother of the baby before she takes first sip from the bosom of her mother. This is sober and solemn ceremony performed one to one.

 

Fufa-father’s sister’s husband is a very special person in all Punjabi families. He is given a special consideration in all family functions: when the question of “Milanee” the grand introduction between the bride and groom’s families comes, it is customary to have small offerings from bride’s family for selected persons of groom’s side who is introduced to each other in “Milanee”; Fufa is a special person. Grooms family ensures that he gets special consideration distinctive than others.

 

Whenever there is marriage of a boy in the family of Nanu or his bigger family and a marriage procession is to start then there is a beautiful custom performed for all sons-in-laws of the family including Fufaji. All sons-in-laws are called starting with the senior most Fufa and honoured by the mother of the groom with a Tilak-a scared mark on the forehead and a small money as a token of families respects and regards.

 

When daughter’s daughter is to be married, then Nanu’s family is a special family: allowed to enter daughter’s home, after a honouring ceremony is performed at the entrance of daughter’s home, with token money and sweets given to each one coming from father’s family-“Nanke-belonging to Nana”. Mama (bride’s mother’s bother) has to perform some pious duties: like morning worship on the day of marriage (sainet) and making the bride to sit for marriage rituals- Phere and finally to make the bride sit in the “Doli” now car for going to her in-laws (Bedai). In fact, no function is complete without the participation of Mama and Nanke in the marriage rituals of daughter’s children.

 

“Sometimes you will never know the value of a moment until it becomes memory.”

                                                                                        – Dr. Seuss.    

 

Previously people did not take anything from daughter and her in-laws. Stricter persons did not take even the food from daughter’s house on a visit to her and when necessary they compensated her even for food and water: but now this tradition has weakened to some extent perhaps most of us have only one daughter and there is greater equality between sons and daughters but still people hesitate to allow daughter to spend on her father’s family because daughter is for giving not for taking: always to relieve her burden never to increase it.  

 

Daughters whenever they visit parents after marriage, it generally brings lot of coziness, positivity to parents’ home and a nostalgia of her childhood, adulthood, studies and the marriage of course. A daughter may outgrow your lap, but she will never outgrow your heart. My Nanu-maternal grandfather was a farmer: so in portion of land he used to sow the crop in the name of one of his daughters every season as he thought that by doing so he would have a bumper harvest and it did happen: he used to share this bumper with his daughters. Now my wife also feels that by giving to daughters the wealth multiplies faster and it does.

 

It is time for daughter to share with her mother the ups and downs, difficulties and happy moments of her life in in-laws and also to discuss the problems that she is facing bring up her children. In fact, both wait for such an occasion in my native language to share “Sukh Dukh”. Although this is natural the confidence, belief, security, secrecy, and help between these two relations is supreme. Advice of the mother is that the life is filed with hard times and good times learn from everything you can: be patient: every time leaves an impression and let it is be memorial one.

 

A daughter is a bundle of firsts that excite and delight, giggles that come from deep inside and are always contagious, everything wonderful and precious and your love for her knows no bounds.  

                                                                                     Barbara Cage

 

Spending on daughters after marriage is a pleasure, perhaps the parents in a cozy corner of their heart feel that she has the right to share the wealth created by her parents yes legally true but socially most of the daughter do not enforce that right and surrender in favour of their brothers: much more than that is the blood bond we have with her, so is for great brothers leaving aside the exceptions for different reasons.

 

It is common with many families to remember their daughters on all festivals sending small gifts and some sweets to them. It is almost compulsory that daughters visit their brother on two occasions-Rakhi and Bhaya Dooz. These are bonds that keep the relations alive throughout their life.

 

Visiting daughter’s home is a different wonder. Whosoever from father’s family reaches, daughter feels crazy about how to welcome what to serve and what not to serve. All the daughters say we are happy we do not want anything from our parents, but there is lovely corner in the heart of every daughter that she keeps with great care whatever she receives from her father’s home. Parents, do care, on a visit to her, to take something of her taste and liking and also that which enhances her prestige among her in-laws and that which she can share with the family of in-laws.   

 

My mother left for her heavenly abode at the 96+, even on that day a shawl  came from her parent’s home and on the day when her ashes were collected people from my Nanu’s home came to cover the place of her cremation with another shawl and showered grains on that place to thank the Lord and wished our family be prosperous and grow always: perhaps my mother from the heaven was also expecting someone of her blood to come and say last goodbye to her; this was a great gesture after 83 years my mother had lived with my father’s family: in fact her own family which she created and nurtured well.

 

Radhi nick named from Radha, my great grandfather’s daughter, sister of my grandfather whom I heard saying Radhi perhaps he had nick named her and Buaji of my father as she was called in our family, married in about 1904 became widow a year or two thereafter as her husband died in plague epidemic, re-marriage was not prevalent in those days but she adopted a boy, son of her husband’s younger brother, whose wife had died while delivering. She spent her rest of life with her in-laws bringing up her adopted son who give her love and affection of more than of a son whom we called Chachaji not modern day uncle. We visited our Buaji and Chachaji occasionally and also on happy occasions and bereavements right up to late sixties when she Buaji left for her heavenly abode: the love, affection, nearness, and belonging she showered on us can only be experienced but not explained with words. We saw the joy bubbling out of her when we visited her without notice and she used to say “Mera Mayaka Aiya Hai” – my parent’s family has come although we were fourth generation parents. That is a daughter’s relationship with her family. The relationship continued thick with the adopted son of Buaji, right up late nineties when he also left for heavenly abode; now there is natural thinning of the visits and so the relations too, but still continuing one century+ strong: but fact is fifth and further generations are totally unaware of this relationship. This relationship gave me an insight into the financial position of our own family although an inference only that my great grandfather had a good source of income as the in-laws family of Buaji was quite solid financially and socially too.

 

When I come home, my daughter will run to the door and give me a big hug, and everything that’s happened that day just melts away.

                                                                                  Hugh Jackman

 

Time is a greater healer at the same time it is a great killer also. These relations with daughters generally get snapped almost completely after the fourth generation with exceptions here and there. That is the law of nature we have to obey. In the modern era we are more individualistic, so the relations carry no weight, it is just more of a meet and greet particularly when one shift away to the foreign lands when financial and other constraints over power, the sweetness and compulsions of relations. Any way LONG LIVE OUR DAUGHTERS and their love and affection: parents would always be hungry of.

 

Daughter is a great creation of the Lord “The Absolute”. Lord Shiva was the first to create out of Himself “Shakti” to marry her again and again in various lives and to give others a chance to have daughters who married Shiva.  

 

 Sometimes difference crop up for various reasons then it very painful as if separating nails from the flesh. Persons involved suffer this pain at emotional family level and social level: lessor the said better it is.

 

This blog is devoted to the positive side of this wonderful blood relation with the daughter, sister and Buaji (father’s sister) who leave our families in the prime of their youth to create a heaven somewhere else.