Stress and Joy of Decisions Not Taken (Lesson II)

Stress and Joy of Decisions Not Taken

(Lesson II)

 

“Life presents many choices, the choices we make determine our future.”

                                                                  – Catherine Pulsifer

Once you make a decision, the universe conspires to make it happen.

                                                              Ralph Waldo Emerson

 

It was early morning of month of April 1956 may be first week, do not know the time exactly may be before 05.00 A.M., I was half asleep, but surely one train used to come to our place from Ambala early morning, I heard voice of my eldest brother, he had come home by that early morning train, our parents were happy, there was vibration at home. There was some charisma in my brother; he was a person who made his presence felt wherever he happened to be.  As the morning progressed my brother said he has come to take me to his place and get me admitted in school there for further studies. It excited me as that was the capital city of Patiala and was considered developed, I was perhaps more willing than my parents who had already willingly agreed.

 

As myself and my brother boarded the train the next day sixty six years back, different flashes were coming to my mind, I was perplexed with the thought of a new school, new friends, new class the sixth and so on. It was a journey of about five hours in those days of passenger trains and bus services were scanty. My sister-in-law liked me, I was a welcome person in the nuclear family of two persons. However, there was no change in the home we were living in one room with our parents and my brother was also living in a single room accommodation that meant everything, kitchen, bathroom, bedroom and drawing room too and some space in the Barsati as was usually known in those days- a space covered by tin sheets to keep cots and beddings used for sleeping at night in open. In addition, there were so many persons of our landlord around and I happened to be youngest, those were the days when families mixed with each other. It appeared a good environment.

 

Within two three days I had new two nickers-half pants, two half sleeve shirts and a pair of shoes with socks all resembling the uniform of local Cambridge School although concept of school uniforms had not developed in community schools at that time. A home-made satchel was also prepared for me. After three-four days my elder brother took me to the school he had chosen for me. I was dressed in Cambridge School uniform, it was Shri Sanatan Dharm Sanskrit English High School (S.D.S.E.) a well-known community school of the town, I was admitted in Sixth Class no procedures, the teacher just wrote my name in a register and admission was over, fee was perhaps paid the next day and the teacher asked me to sit in the class. Sixth was a big class with about seventy students. The jumbo class room was on the first floor something not available in my previous schools.

 

When Independence Day was about to come I was selected as a member of the Nehru Brigade consisting about 20 smart students. We were given some training as how to march in parade and given by the school snow white dress - Shirt, Pyajami, canvas shoes and Nehru cap, for participation in the District Level Independence Day Celebrations held at Yadvindra Stadium. A big rose flower was hung on the pocket of each of us by our teacher before the start of the function.  So I participated in those celebrations witnessed by a few thousand people , it was something new for me and my brother, he was excited and he received me after the celebrations at the venue itself.

 

While living at the aforesaid place, I used to be go almost regularly to the Punjab State Library, Children Section and I still remember globe and cut maps were my favorites. I felt privileged to go there and a feeling that I was different from others.

 

When with my parents, our school was at a walking distance so during recess we rushed home for refreshment, a culture in those with students in my city Bathinda. When I came to stay with my brother here the students used to play during recess or would do their home task in school itself still others enjoyed small favorites from the street hawkers at the gate of the school. I also followed my class-mate but slowly my brother used to give me once or twice a week half anna, anna or a duwani equal to present 1/32, 1/16, 1/8 of a rupee to enjoy at school, when it was duwani then it was a feast day. 

 

In seventh, class room was again on the first floor but in the opposite corner of the building. One day I had come down to take water on the ground floor and was in the same Cambridge School uniform. As soon as I finished a well-dressed person asked me in which class I was studying and before I could reply he put his hand on my shoulder and said let us go to the class. When we entered the class he was holding my hand and the teacher was astonished, he had a conversation for a few minutes with the teacher and continued to hold my hand and after a few minutes he asked me take seat. He was inspector of schools and it created an impression with teachers as if I was known to him.    

 

In eighth class we were shifted to main building of the school, thus I had become a senior student supposed to be more concerned with studies and was selected for the Principal’s Class in English once a week for two months before the final examinations free of any additional fee, it was a great thing and there were some jealous people too, they were astonished as to how I got into Principal’s class. At that time, eighth was a Board Examination Class. The teachers helped us a lot to face the examination every teacher every day was devoting additional time and inspections by the Education Board were quite frequent. When results were announced I was placed in First Division the standard for outstanding students in those days of narrative answers not the objective type questions of the present era.

 

During this three years period the family which consisted at the beginning only three persons including me had blown to six; one baby was added every year and I used to take care of babies when free after the school and also after doing the home task, when my Bhabi Sahiban was doing household chores. It was tough job for her to manage the show, although she was fully devoted hard worker and a homely person without the touch of modernity at that time. Income of the family had not increased as much as the needs despite brother had been doing some additional work also after office hours and also that he got a promotion as Assistant Draftsman. As such perhaps there was need to reduce the expenditure. For obvious reasons it was not possible to reduce expenses for the babies they were so small. Even otherwise our family was not in luxuries it was all necessities only. So in some calculations it was being suggested obliquely to send me back to my parents and at the same time since I was brought to his place by my brother himself it was being suggested that let me complete the schooling which meant another three years in the school as by then secondary system of schooling had been introduced. So as a alternative and a midway solution was thought by somebody after I passed eighth class. I was prompted to appear for Matriculation Examination of Punjab University, in those days the end of schooling although Secondary School system had already been introduced so I joined private coaching classes with other senior members of my brother’s in-laws family. Thus covering ninth and tenth in one year that too without any guidance at home or tuition something strenuous. I had no plan except reading and writing and sometimes cramming too without understanding.   I passed Matriculation in first attempt but in third division i.e. less than 45% marks and could not clear science subjects and hence the science stream got blocked forever for me. In addition my schooling ended at eighth class, which now I feel was greater loss for overall development of my personality and learning about life but it finished the schooling within one year after passing eight class. Another ramification of this was that I lost all my school friends and coaching institute was not a place to develop any friendship. During this period one more baby joined our family so now we were seven.

 

After Matriculation exams I came back to my parents, result was announced later. One chapter of life thus ended. Every time whether going to brother’s place or coming back to my parent’s decisions were taken by somebody else not by me perhaps I was too young to take those decisions but they had an impact on my growing up, education and personality. Those were the days when even schooling was considered sufficient, all my seniors in my family and that of in-laws of my brother had done schooling only nobody had gone beyond. Families were more or less primitive in nature earning, eating and reproduction was order of the day with most, higher education and personality development were not common although known, and not considered important aspect of life. I do not know how those decisions were taken but they did have an impact on my life and career.

 

Thus it was end of my schooling - a mixed blessings era of my life.

 

“The hardest decisions in life are not between good and bad or right and wrong, but between two goods or two rights.”            

                                                                             – Joe Andrew

 

“Choice is the basis of every part of your existence, but so is fear. The difference is, choice creates movement, where fear limits movement.”

                                                                       – Réné Gaudette

Stress and Joy of Decisions Not Taken (Lesson I)

 

 Stress and Joy of Decisions Not Taken

(Lesson I)

 

In the end, we only regret the chances we did not, relationship we are afraid to have, and the decisions we waited too long to make.

 

On a wintery cold Sunday evening, when I was in the queen of hills, Simla now Shimla, staying down in the sunny valley, the colony of ups and downs with one of my class mate in commerce graduation and the other God sent Shimla friend and his family, a tall slim Sikh gentle man along with a young girl and a father figure entered our premises. They were greeted in great Indian rather Punjabi style of “Pairinpauna and really touching their feet” by our Bhabi Sahiban and “Matha Takedaaji” by others. We also greeted them the same way. After pleasantries were exchanged and “Hall-Chall” ascertained, good pakora snacks and boiling hot tea was served with all the love and affection at the command of my God sent Shimla friend and his wife.

 

Then started the session of introductions: we were introduced to these new arrivals by my Simla friend, as Daddy ji called Bauji, lean thin figure with slightly bent spine with turban Punjabi style  but clean shaven, his eldest son i.e. elder brother of Shimla friend, called Bhai Sahib again very slim in White Punjabi Kurta Payjama and grey jacket and Patiala Pugree supporting grey beard  and his daughter, Shimla friend’s niece called Bitiya in salwar kameez typical Punjabi suit and a dark green full sleeves sweater with brown shawl,  of course and fancy chappals perhaps she was not aware of cold weather at Shimla, subsequently it became known that she had not been to Shimla, in fact, to any hill station earlier. We also had our turn in this introduction session.

 

A joint family with three generations consisting nine persons, thus, automatically sprang up in no time, it gave the fragrance of our own homes, the home away from our homes. Bhai Sahib, stayed with us for two three days and then left as he was a construction contractor perhaps of small jobs and there was no body to look after the construction sites he was engaged. It was motivating to talk to him about the relationship he was passing through that of employer he-himself and labour he had employed to execute the jobs he was getting - the lesson was,“ there is no substitute for hard work”, as those were the days of physical hard work and we were not introduced to Information Technology, Internet and computers. He appeared to be more a practical and action man always ready to lead.

 

Daddy ji stayed with us for some more time and we used to sit in the sun on holidays and Sundays and we listened to his experiences and stories a hobby - with all elderly people including myself who live on their past. After about a fortnight or so he also left as he could not tolerate winter of Simla.

 

Daddy ji was a widower. Bhai Sahib was also a widower. So Bitiya was a motherless child and was alone, her elder sister having been married a few years before. These days Bitiya was perhaps managing the household for her father and grandfather. It looked like that after the death of her mother she had left the schooling in between and did not complete even her higher secondary perhaps their home needed her more and did not join any other educational stream thereafter. The circumstances made her master of household management. We noticed a marked change in our premises’ order and cleanliness.

 

She was young born in 1947 and it was 1967 when she came to Shimla, just twenty years young and vibrant with sharp features, looks were natural brown, with a height of five feet, three-four inches with a smart gait, quite slim, with a longish face, her attire used to be like any other Punjabi girl without any modern touch perhaps that reflected the middle class household young girl, manners were nothing modern but sober and straight, always ready to help and take responsibility.

 

She helped her aunty in all household chores and in also taking care of her young children one boy and one baby. She helped particularly in washing, drying the clothes and cooking too. She was good at cooking and we enjoyed hot food in the Kitchen a necessity in Shimla that becomes luxury, if one can have food cooked by somebody that too with lot of love and affection. There was some charisma in her, the home had become more lively and vibrant. 

 

Holidays and Sundays were busy days for all of us for taking a bath as we skipped daily bath in winters, washing clothes, drying them in the Sun, ironing of clothes, keeping all the things in order and cleaning our room used ruthlessly for a week or so and doing other odd jobs as we had no maid and perhaps those were the days of part-time maid or no maids. This provided an opportunity to have a chit chat with young girl when out in the sunny compound in a more informal way.

 

“The choices you make now, the people you surround yourself with, they all have the potential to affect your life, even who you are, forever.”

                                                                     ― Sarah Dessen

 

In the afternoon after taking lunch it was time for going up to the Mall for giving clothes for dry cleaning and having a cup of coffee at Indian Coffee House and sometimes going for milk jalebi at Nathu Ki Dukan in the lower bazar and also to buy essential not available at colony below. Family also went once or twice month, but more so it was male affair to attend to jobs on the Mall.

 

Sunday chit chat with the passage of time became livelier and slowly she opened up cautiously, always afraid of her aunty, who was keeping a strict watch on all her movements, although she was simple a homely girl. Responsibility of aunty had perhaps enhanced many-fold after the death two female members of the family-her mother-in-law and her sister-in-law. Aunty herself was an extremely excellent human being and we were obliged to her as she had provided us home away from home. Her caution was fully justified. One day, one of the elderly ladies in our neighborhood told me in confidence that her aunty was suspicious about the chit-chat we were having with each other which on a few occasions spilled inside the home also although it was simple and frank nothing unusual, personal or special. Slowly this chit chat developed into liking for each other which was reflected by the affirmative answers and send off she used to give every day while I was going to office, this was waving to me on high slops much away from home and the way she used to address and she was always ready to address our minor problems. In fact, she was a child that did not receive desired love and affection in her teens, as her mother expired, sister got married, father was busy in his construction work, grandfather was a widower and no other family member brother or sister to talk to, uncle and aunt at Shimla had their own family. She was left only with the household to manage and to take care of herself. So she found satisfaction and solace in sharing her feelings, thoughts, problems, differences and memories and wanted somebody to listen. These were simple human issues that is why perhaps she developed a liking but was always cautious and afraid. I also saw in her somewhere perhaps an image of a life partner so I was on a move to find out her status about her future life; but everybody was silent, no talk, no discussion or deliberation on this issue ever and we never asked each other a direct question. After few days, I happened to recollect different discussions taking place between Daddy ji, and his two sons, on the night of arrival of Daddy ji, Bhai Sahib and his daughter and I could understand she had already been committed by her father to somebody.

 

I the meantime, I was selected as an Assistant, in the Central Secretariat and came to Delhi to pursue the turn in my career. Those were not the days of mobile or ample landlines hence contact was lost and lost forever. That was the march of life, a turn beautiful. No regrets no stress.

 

“Choose your life’s mate carefully. From this one decision will come 90 percent of all your happiness or misery.”

                                                            – H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

 

“I don’t believe in taking right decisions. I take decisions and then make them right.”

— Ratan Tata

Stress and Solace Of Looking After An Ailing Senior

 

Stress and Solace Of

Looking After An Ailing Senior

 

"Caring for our seniors is perhaps the greatest responsibility we have. Those who walked before us have given so much and made possible the life we all enjoy." Senator John Hoeven

 

My wife had a hunch for a long time that her mother was suffering from breast cancer. One cold winter evening, when I returned from office, my partner said, she had examined the breast of her mother and found that there was a lump hard one on the right side, she was afraid whether it could be malignant growth in common language Cancer. What to do? She wanted to have it confirmed; on medical advice, we got her tested and then the reports were examined by our family physician who confirmed that, “yes” she was having malignant growth and advised that she must go for an operation as early as possible.  

 

We went to a specific Surgeon in a well-known but a common man’s private Cancer Hospital affordable and effective. The Learned Surgeon, after long wait examined her thoroughly and asked one wonderful question but very common; “Mataji, what is your age”. In my presence, she replied eighty three years and the Surgeon replied: “My mother, you have now come to the care of your elder son and he won’t allow you to die before you complete a century.” There was a smile on everybody’s face more so on the face of my mother-in-law who felt encouraged that it is curable and in her curiosity she asked the surgeon what she is required to do. The Surgeon said, “Not much, get admitted in the Hospital stay with me just for three-four days and then go home”. It happened like that only. We admitted her in the Hospital next day that too in a general ward bed, somebody had advised us that whatever may be the room rent, “surgeon and the treatment remains the same and that they follow Hippocratic Oath in letter and spirit.”

 

"Wherever the art of Medicine is loved, there is also a love of Humanity.”

                                                                         ― Hippocrates

She was got admitted in the hospital in the afternoon, on that day she was examined thoroughly: many tests were conducted: the next day at 10.00 AM was the appointed time for the surgeon to show his magic: she was in the operation theatre at the appointed time, she came back in the Intensive Care ward at about 12.30 PM and gained her consciousness by 02.00 PM. She lay in the position as advised by the Doctors but was happy with a broad smile as is her face and next day she was again examined and some tests conducted and the fourth day she was discharged with a prescription of medicine with other advice and the direction to attend Emergency for complications, if any.

 

She was doing well, however, one day the wound got filled with watery fluid and she was feeling uneasy: so we took her to Emergency Ward of that hospital when attended to, Doctor punctured her skin and it burst like fountain that sprinkled on the face of the Doctor, we were all feeling embarrassed that the Doctor has been put to such an inconvenience and we said, “Sorry” to the Doctor: but Doctor said why anyone should feel sorry and said it  is part of the profession and it is duty of every Doctor to remove pain and discomfort to every patient: she just cleaned her face, came back within minutes and started the treatment immediately. After an hour’s stay at the hospital we returned home.

 

“I remind my fellows, residents and medical students that what we do is a privilege. People let us into the most intimate aspects of their lives, and they look to us to help guide them through very complex and delicate situations.”

                                                              

                                                                Shikha Jain, MD

                                                                via Kevin MD

 

On the third day of our stay at the said Hospital, a Doctor had personally come to us with a form, to get our permission to use, a portion of whatever had been removed from the breast of my mother-in-law, for medical research purposes. We never knew that whatever removed malignant growth portion had been preserved by the Hospital Authorities. We felt pleasantly surprised that despite the dreaded disease my mother-in-law perhaps be part of the people that help humanity to reduce pain of the ailment that too cancer.

 

She went back to her home at Chandigarh, where she developed serious complications and was given radiation therapy there by one of the best medical facilities in India: after that she is alright so far as Oncology issues are concerned, of course, medicine is a regular routine with her.

 

Before this when she was about seventy years old, there was a cyst in her uterus and the Doctors at a well-known Hospital had decided to remove the same by operation, but on the day fixed for operation, the surgeon who was to operate asked the juniors to measure the size of the cyst and it was found the its size had reduced as compared to the day on which it was decided to operate, so it was decided not to operate but to continue with medicine and finally the cyst disappeared and she became healthy. No operation was conducted.

 

Once I noticed: about six inches below her neck on her back that there was a depression of about one inch diameter and one inch depth, just touching her backbone. I had not seen such a depression earlier with anybody. When checked up with the Doctor; he explained that the fat at that place has disappeared but it is not a reason to worry: no treatment is required.

 

Earlier she had undergone knee replacement procedure for both the knees and there were complications and her one knee was operated thrice: she remained in the hospital for three long months: even now she continues to complain of burning sensation in one of the knees and legs. Whenever she is taken to a physician, they say operation was perfectly all right. During her stay in the hospital, she was administered antibiotic injection right on the wound of the operation of knees and that too without local anesthesia. I do not know, whether that procedure was as approved by the medical science and practice or it was just an experiment, but fact remains it was very painful and brought tears of pain not only in her eyes but also those who were attending him. It is not difficult to imagine the stress it caused to the patient and to the attendants. When asked the medical staff attending on her simply said that the treatment is being given just to stop the infection as it takes time for the medicine to reach the required spot. Any prudent human being can understand why she was in the hospital for three months for a procedure which is normally over in seven to ten days and the patient is on his legs. Obviously everything was not all right with the operation of the right knee.

 

Even otherwise she is a patient of cervical spondylitis which sometimes goes right up to lower portion of torso and causes lot of pain and inconvenience to her: she uses collar and also medicines when not tolerable.  

 

In addition to above, she is diabetic also and takes medicine before meals daily but still she has love for jalebi and other sweets: even otherwise she likes to have sweet items like ice-cream and mangoes, despite against the norms for diabetics.

 

She has stiff joints particularly shoulder joints that do not move fully clock-wise or anti-clock wise: thus she is not able to perform some of her daily routine functions like combing her hair; putting on her clothes, and taking bath, so she has to be helped.

 

In addition to the above she is also suffering from Asthma occasionally: although attacks are a few: she takes medicine regularly, nebulizer is not unknown to her: when in more trouble she nebulizes otherwise she is okay, when she will need no body can predict and then the need is immediate. Thank God, she has not gone to hospital on this account so far.

 

She is also suffering from Insomnia: sleep disorders, she does not get sleep for days together. Earlier we used to get for her Alprex 0.25 mg across the counter but now this has been placed by the Govt in narcotics list result banned from sale across the counter: sale is only on Doctor’s prescription. Sometimes her non-sleep period is for three-four days and this causes lot of stress to her and sometimes she weeps also.

 

There is one more problem she is facing that acute headache she sometimes develops. It is beyond control of common patent medicines or balms. It is controlled only by specific medicines prescribed by the physician and sometimes even that fails: nobody can help she faces it and others can just feel the pain only.

 

She also has stones in her kidneys and they too sometime create problems beyond her control, pain and vomiting too. Operation at this stage is not advised so only medicine is pain killers and antacids along with your capacity to bear pain.

 

She is also hard of hearing has the hearing machine also, but seldom uses. So she speaks very loud and expects others to speak loud: sometimes we are astonished that she listens even the lowest volume sound and it is irritating too.

 

She has lost all her teeth: so she has all artificial teeth removable and removes them at night sometimes she complains of pain in her gums and many a times she does not wear her teeth for whole the day. These artificial teeth are not comfortable to her. As a result she needs soft food, if food contains some not so soft substances like peanuts in Poha (a crushed rice dish) that is removed before food is served. However it is going on well.     

 

By God’s grace she has always been healthy, size and weight wise, perhaps many diseases are the result of such health: now she is losing weight perhaps that is natural process.

 

She also suffers from normal gastric issues also; for the simple reason that her body movement is very less, administration of digestive enzymes is more or less a regular affair.

 

Her body is slightly shaky obviously it is shakier at night that is normal with all human being. She needs to be taken care of at night lest she falls and breaks her bones that would be too costly both physically and economically so as soon as she gets up from her bed she is accompanied by somebody to the bathroom and back.

 

As with all human beings particularly those who are near ninety or more their level of confidence falls; so is with my mother-in-law result is that in  her day to day life she seems to be impatient whenever in need of anything and repeats quite fast her demand and continues to call others till her callings are effectively replied to.

 

Human being with advanced age try to evoke sympathy of others on the basis of their age and she is not an exception although her degree in this respect it appears is much less.

 

The best part of my mother in law at this age of 90, is that she is able to manage her daily affairs with slight help and is quite regular.

 

Constipation is not abnormal at this age. People try so many things, main reason being too smooth a food without roughage. She takes herbal mixture as a routine like gooseberry powder and Sat-Sat-Isabgol (Psyllium Husk) but she is not afraid of allopathic medicines when required. If it does not happen it is big problem and upsets many other items of day to day life and our home too.

 

With so many ailments and age related issues, she is being looked after well by her daughters alternatively eldest being aged 72.

 

Presently, my mother-in-law is staying with us, as a first step to take care of her: she is not left alone at any moment, not even at night: when both of us along with her sleep in the same room, advantage is whenever she has to go to bathroom at least one of us mostly my wife is aware and if need be she is helped to go to bathroom and we do not sleep till she is back on her bed. Another thing is her voice is not ignored simply because she may need help. This is 24x7 routine all the days she stays with us and during this period our outside visits are totally prohibited unless they are absolutely necessary that too after making necessary arrangements for her care and these are kept absolutely short.

 

In addition her food requirements are also taken care meticulously keeping view she is diabetic and also have love for sweets: besides above like all the human being she like to have taste of yesteryears which my wife tries to meet like mango with gravy.

 

Everything is done by my wife for her mother, it causes sometimes stress, strain, fatigue and sometimes irritation too but she is very devoted everything is done in the spirit of:

 

"To care for those who once cared for us is one of the highest honors."

                                                                           - Tia Walker

 

We have well stocked medicine kit at home; so for any problem we can give her at least the first aid type help, simply because we have learnt from Doctors over a period of time about so many patent medicines which are safe and can be given without any harm or side effects. This helps us a lot in her pain and ache management which are numerous right from head to toe like that of colic, cervical, stomach, headache etc. Her blood pressure and sugar is regularly tested to ensure lest they remain in manageable limits and whenever they exceed the limits she is taken to Doctor for medical advice and treatment.

 

We have the same family doctor, a medical specialist          (Dr. S. K. Aggarwal B.Sc. M.B.B.S. M.D. (Medicine) for the last almost four decades and he is also well aware about the medical history and health of each person at our home including my mother-in-law, as such we are free to consult him even on phone, the pleasant thing about him is that he lifts the phone even at odd hours and advises on phone also. This helped us a lot during Corona period to remain disease free.

 

I am a doctor - it's a profession that may be considered a special mission, a devotion. It calls for involvement, respect and willingness to help all other people.

                                                                            Ewa Kopacz

 

It's even pleasant to be sick when you know that there are people who await your recovery as they might await a holiday.

                                                Anton Chekhov

 

Oh my Lord keep everybody healthy and happy in old age.

Stress of When My Wife was Brought Home Drunk

 

Stress of When My Wife was Brought Home Drunk

           

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates

 

When I reached home at about 07.30 PM a few days back, our Maid informed me, as usual that (my wife) Mem - Sahib had already left for her kitty party and that she was picked up from our home by her neighbourhood friend a member of kitty party who was sought after Bar Tenderer both professional as well as it  was her hobby, she could make a teetotaler to drink beer, wine and whiskey as much as she likes that was her charm and magic sitting on the other side of the bar, stock full with dancing glasses and pouring golden brown nectar in an intoxicating style. I became apprehensive that return of Mem Sahib would be late night and would be different.

 

I enjoyed my dinner with moongdal (yellow dal the golden magic delicacy in northern states of India) and crystalized butter (Desi Ghee) lachha pranathas,  mango pickle, vinegar onion salad and of course sweet lassi –smoothened curd with ice, sugar, Red Rooh Afza  and milk - a tonic for giving one good deep sleep. I had my heart fill of all the nutritious and tasty things and then went to my bed room, listened to yesteryears golden songs of Binaca Geetmala with the commentary from Ameen Sayani Sahib, I do not know, when I fell asleep.

 

At about 02.30 A.M., when I was fast asleep our maid knocked door of my bed room hard, I could get up only after five-seven minutes, when I opened the door she was standing highly confused and afraid, uttering something loudly like a mad person, I could not make out what it was as I will still sleepy. Slowly I picked up the courage to console her and then she said that the main door bell was ringing for the last ten – twelve minutes. I rushed towards the main door and peeped through door eye and saw three men and three ladies in two rows, of course first row ladies so gentle and second row men looking like scoundrels, ladies  with scattered hairs  were holding my wife tight from all the three sides, standing near the main door of our home. All were make-up spoiled, highly wrinkled clothes, neckties and pants loose, shirts all button open, shoes polished spoiled, seeing all this was irritating making me angry from toe to top. A thought that came to my mind again and again was I should not open the door, let them be kept standing for some time more. But it appeared they had lot of patient or fear that all of them were standing still like statues, or too determined as if they would g o only after a job is done, looking at each other with searching eyes: I was trying to make out where our neighbor mam was but she was nowhere seen.  Our maid was urging me again and again to open the door but I was trying to make out what was happening. Ultimately she prevailed, because her boss appeared in trouble.

 

I opened the door slowly without any noise but too cautious; two ladies who were holding my wife tight pushed her towards me and the third one supported her from behind as if she was reluctant to enter home, in the process all the four slipped and were flat on the ground, it was a very pathetic and terrible scene, four ladies laying flat on the floor, three jokers who had accompanied them were not ready to help standing mute spectators, perhaps my presence spoiled the show of kindness. Ultimately, I had to give my wife a helping hand. I tried my best to lift her like in the Bollywood movies but my all the attempts failed, as she was about 70 Kilogram, anyway I slowly pushed her in home and before I could see backward all the six gentleman and gentle ladies had disappeared as the ghost in horror movies. I could not even thank them for bringing my wife home at dead of the night and in that wonderful funny but horrifying way as if a culprit caught by saints.

 

Once my wife was inside, our Maid helped me lot. My wife was slippery all over I do not know what it was: a cake, curry, coke, sweets left over, milk, curd, wine, beer, whiskey or something else: but whatever it was, smell was too stinky and foul, both myself and the maid were facing the brunt of the party she had indulged in. Somehow she was brought inside our bed room and pushed to lay on the bed. As soon as she was on the bed, the Maid left immediately and shut the door, she was intelligent enough and sincere too.

 

When we were alone, I tried to ask her what had happened but she was very silent and appeared so sober and pretended as if she wanted to sleep. As the smell from her was frightening, I asked her to change but she bluntly refused as if that foul smell was very dear to her, but I could not withstanding that non-sense. I urged her again and again to change but she was bold enough to refuse every time. Ultimately, I left her alone in the bed and lay down on the sofa, sometimes asleep and other moment awake hoping that she would need medical attention and if need be I should to near her like a good husband, after all she is my wedded wife.

 

I do not know when her sleep was broken: at about 08.30 A.M. next morning when I woke up, she was in the kitchen well dressed with full make-up perhaps with a view to look more attractive and pretty than ever before, requesting me to forget the previous night drama of seven artists in street of our main door. I do not know whether she was clever or wise enough to put a curtain on the events.

 

She prepared the most delicious breakfast of my liking and served it like never before in a most romantic fashion. I was feeling like Ranjha of Punjabi love tales but still trying to understand what had happened the previous night in the so called kitty party. She was tight lipped but pretended as if the day was most romantic and great.  

 

Good thing about the whole incident was that our children one boy and other doll were in their teens and in the hostel school; so could not see the drama enacted by their mother a night before. But my parents did ask, “What was happening at night, was there something wrong.” I simply replied that Mam was not feeling well, but neighbours were aware as one of them also turned up at that time.

 

Simple to say, but very difficult to face such a situation. The three men and four ladies at night outside your house makes you shiver, everybody other apprehensive that too deep night. Why men were there at ladies Kitty party not husbands but friends anybody can understand and conclude whatever one likes. Was it not an adult entertainment party, some may conclude? When neighbours are aware how our family particularly we the couple would be viewed. Why she was smelling foul and sticky. Foul smell, many would conclude, full of whiskey and wine but why sticky there can any assumption nobody can catch anybody by mouth. However, it was perhaps booze party:

 

"That's the problem with drinking, I thought, as I poured myself a drink. If something bad happens you drink in an attempt to forget; if something good happens you drink in order to celebrate; and if nothing happens you drink to make something happen."

                                                                 ~ Charles Bukowski

 

Now I think one would be able to appreciate the position, feelings and stress of husband of such a lady in our social environment. What to do? There are two alternative, first is forget and forgive and thereby enjoy the happiness of what I have and the second is find out the true facts and then proceed as one wishes. However, as per conservative standards to which I belong and believe, it is good case for divorce to seek and then search and make her also to search for another life partner; but who knows that would be better or worse than this and if the second option prevails that it is worse, it would be tension and depression for life and also a difficult proposition for the children to accept and repentance for life. So I chose the first option of forget and forgive, giving more weightage to forget then to forgive. I thought it was a bad dream.

 

If one views such a situation with reference to marriage, it makes an interesting study. Marriages the world over are either arranged or love solidified. In arranged marriages at any age, one can definitely study the bio-data given, see the face, meet the parents, have meetings three four times, make enquiries from friends and neighbours, make ensure the horoscope compatibility and whatever other things he can do. Similarly in love marriages face of the girl has the maximum impression on the man: manners and patience to listen on the part of the boy for the girl; other things get shadowed by these two factors. In India, despite love, people try to show them as arranged marriage because it has social approval more as compared to love marriage.

 

However a marriage is sustained in addition to love and biological requirements, by cooperation, adjustment, temperament, respect, capacity to listen, appropriate communication skills, culture and heritage of the partners family, zeal to sacrifice, tolerate elders – a necessary evil at least in Indian conditions etc. These are so complex matters that there exists no barometer to judge their height or depth. Hence the marriage success remains more or less a gamble or luck that is why people in India say marriages are made in heaven and solemnized on the earth.

 

“Who we marry is one of the most important decisions in life. One that will influence the level of happiness, growth, and success, like no other choice.”

                                                        – Nathan Workman

 

There is no greater happiness for a man than approaching a door at the end of a day knowing someone on the other side of that door is waiting for the sound of his footsteps.

                                                                         Ronald Reagan

 

I requested my wife in her weak moments that whenever she wanted to enjoy such a party we can arrange at our home and that would give her a good enjoyment and the family would also enjoy. Result is such my dream never came true and thereafter she never went to kitty party, all kitties were promptly paid off full and final. 

 

Reconciliation The Greatest Act of Love

 

A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.”

– Mignon McLaughlin